Looking back, I truly feel as if every time I thought I couldn’t make it or wanted to just drown myself in a sea of my own, tears something or someone wonderful would be integrated into my life. Most times it was ephemeral, but it was always enough to keep me in afloat with dryland in sight.
Laughter erupted! The next thing I know everyone was talking about my family living under bushes, being homeless, not having clothes, and on and on. I was so ashamed. I felt my heart beating in my chest as I tried to come up with a smart sassy rebuttal, but I didn’t have one.
I used to imagine that the splattered seeds mixed with the green and white chunks of Osage-orange flesh were what brains on the pavement would look like. I thought that until a few kids and I stumbled on a bunch of blood and what appeared to be brain matter on the ground behind a building on our walk to school just about a week before. It was not the same, at all! We, I mean I, poked at some of the larger greyish chunks with a pencil from my bag. I was so fascinated by the soft and delicateness of it. It didn’t seem reasonable that this soft fragile mass could be the source of who we were. I could not comprehend what happened to the magic of the memories, thoughts, and love as the neurons that produced them lay in the street.
Life is crazy, one day you are reading encyclopedias at your grandma’s house and pretending to be an adventurer searching for treasure and the next you are holding a knife and yelling “get out or I will fucking kill you” at the top of your lungs. A lot can change in a very short span of time, the space between Raiders of the Lost Ark and Romancing the Stone was only about three years or so. After those three years my childhood ended, my life changed in so many ways…
I was seven when the Indiana Jones and The Raiders of the Lost Ark came out and ten when Romancing the Stone hit the big screen. I was instantly in love and KNEW that I would one day be an archaeologist traveling the world hunting down treasure and finding romance as I did. I will admit that prior to this revelation, I thought I was going to be an astronaut and have space adventures like in Star Wars but that was back when I was a little kid. Raiders and Romancing the Stone came out in the early 80s I was much more mature by then and therefore able to make more realistic life choices! LMAO!
Fear had become a part of me, like a vestigial organ, hiding in the space between my heart and my lungs. Serving no purpose and providing no benefit at this point in my evolution. It would squeeze my heart just a bit to keep me from fully experiencing joy, reminding me to not get comfortable or let my guard down because pain was sure to arrive soon. It would push all the air out of my lungs and leave me gasping for oxygen when I began to consider the possibility that I was enough, conditioning me so I would know that I was not…
Memories are comprised of the neural connections, impulses, and proteins that help us store the stories of our lives. Its how we are able to uniquely be ourselves, no one on earth will remember any single event exactly the way you do.