Lazy vs Depression

What happens to a hypochondriac, introvert during a pandemic with a history of depression? Well you get me struggling with the dark comfort that depression sometimes offers. Today was a perfect sunny 88 degrees and I had to force myself to take a shower, put on semi clean clothing to pick up a Walmart curbside…

Mine to Me

I know many suggest that you simply rid yourself of all expectations and be open to love. But I really just don’t understand how one is supposed to just magically want that which you don’t naturally want. We should all have standards and expectations, healthy and realistic expectations are a requirement. So then How? How in this era of standards, perspectives, and expectations are we afforded the opportunity to lay claim and how do we allow ourselves to be claimed?

Hustle Hard

I love to live life, to read, to travel, to enjoy every moment with my kids, and always create new memories. To do these things I need money, so I have ambition but its limited. I am not willing to work more hours, I am not willing to have less time with my kids, nor am I willing to sacrifice my personal time. I used to feel odd. Like I needed to be doing more. Like I needed three different revenue streams. Like I needed to be this new ambitious woman. Women had fought for the right to be all those things and here I am squandering all the opportunities they toiled for. This used to send a symphony of “You Are Not Good Enough” reverberating through the echo chambers of my mind. Especially when I first left grad school.

Mr. Neverwas…

“When the student is ready the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready… The teacher will Disappear.” Tao Te Ching

Mr. Abandonment

I was always the one that ended things. I would stop the abandonment from happening. I cannot recall a time in my life where the other party ended a relationship with me (this happened before Mr. kayak). I ALWAYS did the leaving. I would never allow it to happen. NEVER. I had become something like an oracle or a prophet. I would always be analyzing the relationship and gaging where we were to ensure if things took a turn that I would be the one to recognize the inevitable end and snuff things out in a logical manner. Not this time. I let it be what it was. I didn’t try to organize it or plan how it would end. He simple moved on and I accepted it.

Sad Mother’s Day

One thing everyone has or had is a mother, so Mother’s Day is one of those holidays that everyone loves to celebrate.   Even when your mother has passed, it can be sad but still a celebration to the woman who gave you life. What about when you are estranged from your mother?  Mother’s Day is…

Perspective: An Interlude

Everyone thinks they are great! We all have a little list of our best qualities and attributes that make us a great catch. Our job, our looks, body, education, personality and I could go on. What a lot of people struggle with is that no list could ever really prove if you actually are a…

Mr. Particular

Then there were the remotes, he had four and each had a specific location and direction they had to be placed in. Next was the trash, which was not allowed to actually be put into the trash can. Gradually over a few months he rolled more and more rules for life with him. I initially thought that I could handle it that he was a great guy with just a particular way he liked things to be. I grabbed a book on dating people with OCD and watched a few videos and figured that everyone has good points and bad points, he was just a little OCD, I could deal with that.

It’s In You!

A teacher can speak to you about information and knowledge but cannot give you their own understanding.

How are YOU doing?

As we enter into week forever of the pandemic, I want to ask “How are you doing?”. For me I miss my routine.  Early morning workout, getting the kids off to school, work, cooking dinner and relaxing with either a book or television in the evening.  In other words, I missed being busy!  But do…