My last post “Things that Go Bump in the Night” shook me to my core. It unearthed a suppressed memory that generated a conversations with my little sister, best friend and husband. I have always suspected that I had suppressed memories of sexual abuse, but accepted my body’s defense mechanisms. These unearthed memories did however required time to sort through the emotions involving the memory.
I have told my vampire fear origin story for years, but as I tried to recall the details of the story, I got stuck on two fact. I couldn’t find the movie anywhere. Per my memory, it was a major television event that would have taken place between 1984-1985. Fright Night was in the theaters and every time I Googled or asked someone, that is what came up. Secondly, I recall my bedroom lights being off, but could not explain why my foster mother’s adult son was entering my room at night. These conflicts prompted me to talk to my sister, who stated very plainly this man would molest us at night, said it so plainly and surely I knew it was true. As I write this, I still have no memories of him touching me. I do however do not like uninvited touches, I am extremely over protective of my children, and I have trust issues.
Last week I was watching Gray’s Anatomy (Breath Again) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt11058566/ Jo was dealing with clinical depression steaming from being abandoned￼ by her parents. During a session about trauma, she was concerned that she didn’t have the right to claim trauma, because she doesn’t remember being abandoned. so how could she be traumatized from that abandonment. Her counselor stated that though she may not recall that moment her body remembers what that moment felt like and when she had met her mom and was rejected by her mother again as an adult her body recalled that feeling. So while I have suppressed memories and I do not recall the abuse, my body remembers how it felt. I felt alone, I felt betrayed, and I was scared. It was those feelings that came flooding back when I discovered that something had to of happened on that night I wrote about. It was those feelings that drove me to be overprotective of my children over the years. It’s those feelings that that causes agitation when my husband touches me unexpectedly. Sankofa has been my driving African proverb for over 20 years, I do think that if you don’t know your pass you are doomed to repeat it. However the unknown pass has dictated certain actions in my life. Now know that I know am a survivor of sexual molestation I release that fear and choose to move forward, allowing that hurt little girl to feel joy and be free￼￼￼￼￼￼.