Coldblooded!! (David Chappelle voice)

I had a few months before I left for the Navy, so I figured I would hang around all my friends and family before I left. I had saved up a nice lil stash of money and planned to sponsor multiple rounds of shenanigans before I hit the road.  Since my birthday was in September, it would be like a three-month long birthday extravaganza! I was staying at my aunt Josie’s house and my cousins Tonya and Floyd always had friends around or wanted to do stuff. I had planned to quit my job just before my birthday so I could spend the last month completely focused on working out and so I could go visit my sister and brother in Arkansas. I love a good plan! It just feels good to my soul to have a plan! Even if the plan didn’t work out, I am ok with making the needed adjustments, but HAVING a plan soothes me and gives me a road map to my purpose. No, I am not an over planner I am more of an outline kinda planner, I don’t need to map out every detail I just need to know the important and necessary steps that I have to take to get me where or what I want. I know many feel that folks who plan are not as free or whatever but I’m ok with them thinking that because I know the truth. I am free! And my plans help me be free! I have seen so many that want to do, who say they will do, but never quite get to a point where they actually do anything. This is because 99% of the time things don’t just happen you have to have some idea of what you want and how you are going to make it happen. So yup I plan, I execute my plans, and I get ish done!

Photo credit: Fabera

I’m a libra and when ever I read the descriptions of my zodiac some of the stuff is spot on; extremely diplomatic, fair, love to see others happy, big on justice, and equality. The description usually will go on to say Libras are social, enjoy being active and love aesthetically pleasing environments. Of course, I feel as if all of the positive traits fit my personality but not all of the negatives. Most websites and books say that Libras are superficial, hypocritical, gullible, passive aggressive, and indecisive. I can admit that I am superficial (I like pretty things), I have been hypocritical a time or two, gullible, and even passive aggressive at times but NEVER indecisive. I am actually quite the opposite I will quickly analyze a situation, make a plan and move forward with haste. I pride myself on being a doer of things, and one of my biggest pet peeves is non-doers. Those who say they will but never do anything, those who want to do but can’t quite make it happen. I know so many people who are always amazed that I travel as much as I do or that I go to this thing or am part of some other thing, they be like I wish I could be like that but (insert some reason they make up for why they can’t). I always say I did it, so its not impossible just make a damn plan! Lay out what you want and then research and find out what it takes to get there. Now a days it so much easier with the internet, but most will say it’s the money part that keeps them from doing what they want but I call BS it’s YOU that is keeping you from what you want. Let say you want to go on a European vacation but you don’t make a lot of money. Make a plan, it may take you a while to get there but never stop until you make it.  Even if that plan includes going back to school and applying for a better job some plans take years but if it’s something you really want always keep your plan in mind and even if you deviate a tad here and there always return to it. If it’s something you truly want in your life never give up on it.

OK Ok I’m off my soap box and back to my planed turn up! It went fantastically for a bit but shit nothing is perfect when you are dealing with people. Every weekend I would buy drinks and food stuffs and we would have kickbacks in my aunt’s basement. I would go to the mall, to the local underage clubs, the river front and just enjoy myself like a MOFO! During the day I would watch military movies, mostly Full Metal Jacket, so I could be prepared for boot camp. I also started running, something I had never really done, and it was killing me! I also did sit-ups, jumping jacks, and push ups (I almost said a cuss word) I hated pushups. But I was sticking to my plan, up next was couple of weeks in Arkansas.

Full Metal Jacket 1987

I hadn’t seen or talked to my sister and brother for a while, so I was looking forward to spending time with them. My mom had moved down to Arkansas so that she could get them back from my grandma. At this point they had moved back in with her in a little white house with a big yard next to the train tracks. It was a nice house and I was really happy and hopeful for the kids. My time there I basically kept to my workouts and military movie plans but added in hanging with the kids. I am a hugger, so I hugged them lots and laid on them when we watched movies and just tried to love them as much as I could before I left. I still had a lot of guilt about not staying with them, as penance I would give them money or buy them things in an attempt to make up for not being there. All was going well I was in a very optimistic mindset, I even began to think that my mom and I could build a relationship again. She was no longer on drugs (she still drank heavily though) and seemed to be on a good path.

Towards the end of my stay, things got kinda crazy. The first thing was one night while we were asleep there was a loud knock at the door. It was MIKE!! This was crazy because this was before GPS, and this man drove hours and hours only knowing the name of the town my mother lived in. He had never been there and had no idea what her address was before he arrived at the gas station at the edge of her little town. He asked the clerk where she lived, and the guy just told him! Small town folk don’t really think about things the way city folk do! He could have been a serial killer for all he knew.  When I opened my mom’s door there was Mike demanding that I get in the car and return to St. Louis with him immediately. I was slightly flattered (I know I was a silly girl) a little scared, but I was not leaving with him. I stood outside talking with him he cried and so did I. I had decided to leave, I had made my plan, and nothing (not even him driving his crazy ass to Arkansas) was going to change that. He was beyond angry!! He balled up his fist and punched the fence until his hands were covered in blood (yes crazy as fuq!). I could not believe what was happening! He looked at me and said he was driving back to St. Louis that night and that if he died on the way back it would be my fault. I turned around, walked inside, closed the door and cried.

I started running more and more over the next few days. I only had a little time before I would be heading back to St. Louis (could not spend my birthday in Arkansas). My mom decided to put up an above ground pool in her yard, one like we had back at the house on Calvert. I was happy to help with the set up. I noticed a mistake my mom made while setting the pool up, when I pointed it out she made sure that I knew she was in charge and knew what she was doing. I went for a run, I just let it go. When I got back she had the hose in the pool running and as water began to fill the pool I knew that if I didn’t make the correction they would have to drain the pool immediately to fix it. No one was around so I just fixed it and went inside to shower. After I came out of the shower, my sister informed me that mom was outside and wanted me to come out to the pool. I walked over to the pool. She was pissed.  As I walked up, we made and held eye contact. She was angry because she was wrong and as she looked, she knew I was right but none of that mattered. The moment I opened my mouth to say something was wrong, I had put myself in a no-win situation. Pointing out a mistake my mom made was against the rules, but once I did if I did nothing and everything got ruined it would be my fault for not getting her to change it.  I was now in trouble for fixing it because I went against what she said. I figured I would be diplomatic we were both adults (I was about to be 21 soon). I smiled and was about to explain the situation when she turned and smacked the shit out of me! She got me good I was walking up totally open and well within arm’s length never expecting that she would pull back and pimp slap me like that! I mean she had to have been planning that ish out, and my dumb ass just walked right into it. I almost got knocked down, I think it was a combination of surprise, shock, and the weight of the slap. When I think about it now it reminds me of the Rick James sketch from the Dave Chapelle show! I can here Dave’s voice saying, “I’m Leola Bitch!!” ***SMACK***

It hurt like hell, but I did not cry, and I did not retaliate because while I was angry, I was not foolish. My mom out weighed me, she was an experienced fighter, and was strong AF. I just walked away, like I walked for a few miles away, like I knew I was leaving her house ASAP. I had planned to leave in a few days but sometimes plans change, and my new plan no longer included the possibility of having anything with my mother at all.

3 thoughts on “Coldblooded!! (David Chappelle voice)

  1. You really have your on version on everything BUT I will always Love your side I get lots of laughs because I was there an we all have our on truth
    Love you for life



    1. I love you but the fact that you feel the need to try to constantly say that I am only telling my side or my truth instead of having real conversations with me is why we can’t build a better relationship. You have never acknowledged or admitted to anything and that is fine. But for you to continue to say that this is MY truth is like another slap in the face. It’s your way of saying MY feelings, experiences, and perspective of my life is wrong. I have offered to have this conversation many times and you have NEVER shared YOUR truth so that’s that. If you are not willing to step up and deal with things directly that’s fine but these passive aggressive little jabs you are throwing need to stop. I love you and always will but this is my story you are free to tell your own.


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