I know many suggest that you simply rid yourself of all expectations and be open to love. But I really just don’t understand how one is supposed to just magically want that which you don’t naturally want. We should all have standards and expectations, healthy and realistic expectations are a requirement. So then How? How in this era of standards, perspectives, and expectations are we afforded the opportunity to lay claim and how do we allow ourselves to be claimed?
I love to live life, to read, to travel, to enjoy every moment with my kids, and always create new memories. To do these things I need money, so I have ambition but its limited. I am not willing to work more hours, I am not willing to have less time with my kids, nor am I willing to sacrifice my personal time. I used to feel odd. Like I needed to be doing more. Like I needed three different revenue streams. Like I needed to be this new ambitious woman. Women had fought for the right to be all those things and here I am squandering all the opportunities they toiled for. This used to send a symphony of “You Are Not Good Enough” reverberating through the echo chambers of my mind. Especially when I first left grad school.
“When the student is ready the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready… The teacher will Disappear.” Tao Te Ching
I was always the one that ended things. I would stop the abandonment from happening. I cannot recall a time in my life where the other party ended a relationship with me (this happened before Mr. kayak). I ALWAYS did the leaving. I would never allow it to happen. NEVER. I had become something like an oracle or a prophet. I would always be analyzing the relationship and gaging where we were to ensure if things took a turn that I would be the one to recognize the inevitable end and snuff things out in a logical manner. Not this time. I let it be what it was. I didn’t try to organize it or plan how it would end. He simple moved on and I accepted it.
Everyone thinks they are great! We all have a little list of our best qualities and attributes that make us a great catch. Our job, our looks, body, education, personality and I could go on. What a lot of people struggle with is that no list could ever really prove if you actually are a…
Then there were the remotes, he had four and each had a specific location and direction they had to be placed in. Next was the trash, which was not allowed to actually be put into the trash can. Gradually over a few months he rolled more and more rules for life with him. I initially thought that I could handle it that he was a great guy with just a particular way he liked things to be. I grabbed a book on dating people with OCD and watched a few videos and figured that everyone has good points and bad points, he was just a little OCD, I could deal with that.
A teacher can speak to you about information and knowledge but cannot give you their own understanding.
One day I was working on a spreadsheet and needed a formula for something I don’t recall what it was. So I asked him and he erupted in a psychotic rage at me! He called me every name you could think of and then some. I was an idiot, stupid ass bitch, I turned the volume completely off I could see his mouth moving but only muffled sounds reached my ears. He never touched me, but he didn’t have to his words were so vile and hurtful physically hitting me would have just been a formality.
When we touched down in New York I was expecting it to be like the other countries I had entered. I anticipated people waiting as we disembarked to check our temperatures, no one checked. I figured we would have forms to fill out about where we had been, how long we had been there, where we were heading, and about our health; there were no forms. I believed that like in other airports we would be required to be in a specific area while waiting for our next flight, we were free to go anywhere we wanted including right out the airport into and Uber and beyond. The flight I was on from Abu Dhabi had people from all over the world on it, during a pandemic, and no one asked us anything…
I bolted out of bed with a mix of excitement and a dash of fear. To me this is absolutely the best mix of emotions. I know, that most probably would not choose fear as one of the best emotions to have. Yet the energy of unbridled excitement tempered by a healthy dose of fear of the unknow is a delight. Think about it, what are the feelings you experience at the beginning of a new romance? The excitement and energy of wanting this new thing mixed with a bit of fear of getting hurt. For me every adventure feels like a new love, I’m sure replete with all the accompanying hormones. Yes, I know its weird but it my little adventures truly are the love of my life. I love each fully and by the end they love me fully in return.