Then there were the remotes, he had four and each had a specific location and direction they had to be placed in. Next was the trash, which was not allowed to actually be put into the trash can. Gradually over a few months he rolled more and more rules for life with him. I initially thought that I could handle it that he was a great guy with just a particular way he liked things to be. I grabbed a book on dating people with OCD and watched a few videos and figured that everyone has good points and bad points, he was just a little OCD, I could deal with that.
One day I was working on a spreadsheet and needed a formula for something I don’t recall what it was. So I asked him and he erupted in a psychotic rage at me! He called me every name you could think of and then some. I was an idiot, stupid ass bitch, I turned the volume completely off I could see his mouth moving but only muffled sounds reached my ears. He never touched me, but he didn’t have to his words were so vile and hurtful physically hitting me would have just been a formality.
“Tears are words that need to be written.” P. Coelho
Adrian and I had a small disagreement about where we should get dropped off for the day. I didn’t really think anything of it initially it was just a simple hey we should get off here instead of there because of x,y,z kind of thing. He reluctantly agreed but did not utter a single word to me the remainder of the time we were in Paris. What I believed would be our first dream trip had become one of our last and a nightmare.
During these years there were so many pieces of myself placed on the shelf. So many of my wants and needs that I pushed aside in an effort to be a good wife and mother. I don’t know how people say things like “I have no regrets” and have that be an actual true statement. It sounds nice but the reality is there will always be things that we regret, things that we wish we had done differently. I really regret not making my wants, needs, and desires a priority. I consistently put myself last in the hopes that my sacrifice would be recognized or rewarded at some later date. The problem with that is if all we have is now later never arrives. This was perfect breeding ground for resentment.
We were married on a Thursday in September, on the very cliffs where we had blown dandelions only a few months earlier. Of course, there were a couple of hiccups, like the photographer got lost, the violinist never showed, and the little white carpet for the isle didn’t get put down until the last second. None of that changed the fact that we were getting married. The carpet was put in place just as the photographer finally found us and the show went on even without the violin’s music wafting through the air. I was happy. We chose to keep things simple, there was no need for flowers or decorations. We had a beautiful sunset, rocky cliffs, and the ocean no need to embellish the natural beauty of the day.
I was new at this love thing, so I came out with guns blazing. I wanted to go places together, do cool things, to hang out all the time, but most of all just to be held. It’s so simple but the things I wanted most of all was to simply be held. For him to look into my eyes knowing everything good and bad about me. To have his arms around me and feel that I was safe. To be loved for my imperfections and to be allowed to grow into the best version of myself. My ideas of how love was expressed was purely based on what I had gathered from songs, movies, TV shows, and books. I had never seen what I believed to be real love exercised by anyone in my life. I just collected the good parts of the real relationships that I had seen while vowing to avoid the negative parts. I had it all figured out.