My journey to find a spiritual home started when I was a kid living with my mother in Chicago. We would visit different churches of different denominations. Around 1985 my mother visited a Christian Science Church, I continued to attend even when I left St. Louis and was living in New York with my grandparents,…
During these years there were so many pieces of myself placed on the shelf. So many of my wants and needs that I pushed aside in an effort to be a good wife and mother. I don’t know how people say things like “I have no regrets” and have that be an actual true statement. It sounds nice but the reality is there will always be things that we regret, things that we wish we had done differently. I really regret not making my wants, needs, and desires a priority. I consistently put myself last in the hopes that my sacrifice would be recognized or rewarded at some later date. The problem with that is if all we have is now later never arrives. This was perfect breeding ground for resentment.
We were married on a Thursday in September, on the very cliffs where we had blown dandelions only a few months earlier. Of course, there were a couple of hiccups, like the photographer got lost, the violinist never showed, and the little white carpet for the isle didn’t get put down until the last second. None of that changed the fact that we were getting married. The carpet was put in place just as the photographer finally found us and the show went on even without the violin’s music wafting through the air. I was happy. We chose to keep things simple, there was no need for flowers or decorations. We had a beautiful sunset, rocky cliffs, and the ocean no need to embellish the natural beauty of the day.
I actually just looked up the words surrender and submit and almost had a panic attack. It was all this talk of “yielding” power and control. To willingly give oneself up to another, to allow something to happen to you! There was also talk about the person you are surrendering or submitting to being more powerful or having authority over you! The surrendered party having admitted defeat because they were not powerful enough to resist! I do not know how this is humanly possible outside of an actual battle where one surrenders or submits so that they might survive to fight another day. I don’t know that I have the capacity to surrender to another human at this point in my life.
I didn’t know how to date. Honestly, I am not that good at it even now. I just wanted to meet the ONE and be together. #Neo on a side tangent. It’s silly but every time I hear the phrase “the one” I think of Neo from the matrix! Back to my point though, I didn’t want the process of dating this guy or the next guy. Didn’t want to spend time trying to figure out who they were and getting past their representative.
Victim is an interesting word. in the late 15th century it meant to sacrifice a person or animal as part of a religious rite. In the mid-1600s its meaning shifted to denote someone being “hurt tortured or killed” by someone. In the early 1700s, there was more evolution regarding what types of things one could…
Love is another one of the words that I have struggled to truly understand. I grew up in an environment where I didn’t feel loved in the way stories, movies, and TV shows described it. I knew my parents cared about me, but I honestly didn’t feel loved and therefore had no real-life reference for what love actually felt like or really was. I had only the perfect stories from sources not based in reality. The sad part is while I longed for that perfect love, deep down I didn’t feel that I deserved it or would ever actually have it.