I actually just looked up the words surrender and submit and almost had a panic attack. It was all this talk of “yielding” power and control. To willingly give oneself up to another, to allow something to happen to you! There was also talk about the person you are surrendering or submitting to being more powerful or having authority over you! The surrendered party having admitted defeat because they were not powerful enough to resist! I do not know how this is humanly possible outside of an actual battle where one surrenders or submits so that they might survive to fight another day. I don’t know that I have the capacity to surrender to another human at this point in my life. I tried it once, one evening on March 8th way back in 1998.
I did a tad bit of research and didn’t find anything of significance happened in the world that day. Well nothing outside of the norm except that Adrian and I had our first date. I didn’t figure it out until the end of the night though. Things started out like a usual hangout kind of night. I don’t recall all the details, but I remember us getting dinner and doing miniature golf. After miniature golf he said he wanted to show me something. He said it in a way that made me feel a bit flustered. Its so strange to me how normal words can take on new meanings by simply shifting the emphasis and tone in which they are delivered.
He kept touching me and acting playful which was cool cause that’s how I am, but it was NOT how he was on any other day. Again, I had a conversation with myself saying, “calm down, stop trying to make something out of nothing, you guys are just friends.” So, when we got out of the car at Torrey Pines Nature Reserve, I was very chill. I had never been there before, but I could smell the ocean and therefore I was pleased. We walked through some trails there were wild flowers staring to bloom and the sun was just about to set. As we walked my excitement grew. This was an amazing moment. I could see the last traces of the sun as they dipped below the horizon. I could hear the waves crashing against the rocks below. I could taste the salt from the ocean mist in the air. I could feel something inside me trying to surrender. My mind was too afraid to let my heart go there. My mind just kept saying you guys are just friends, don’t do this you WILL get HURT!!
Just before we turn back, I noticed a bunch of dandelions and happily suggested we grab some to blow over the cliffs edge and make a wish. This was all to do with my heart my mind was like “ok simple bitch! I just told you y’all were JUST friends!! Now you out here making wishes and shit!!” my mind had no filter and no chill! But he and I stood there we blew the zygotes from the dandelions and as they drifted over the cliffs edge, I wished that Adrian was in love with me. I immediately felt foolish, laughed it off and we headed back. About halfway back to the car he offered to give me a horseback ride and I happily accepted. My heart felt happy, my mind did not approve! My car was at his place, so we headed back to base. When we got there, he asked me to come up and from this point things get a bit fuzzy. If I remember correctly he played the movie Fools Rush In. All I know is we ended up falling asleep and waking up to him kissing me. We made love after which I made jokes to help with the awkwardness and because its what I do when I find myself getting vulnerable emotionally. I made a joke we laughed and there was a knock at the door because apparently Adrian was late for work!
After he showered and headed to work I laid there for a bit overthinking things unsure of what to say or do. Were we a couple? Was this just a friendly mistake? Everyone we knew always thought we had slept together before but now that we had I had no idea what was what? I dressed and went home showered and spent the day dreading going in to work. I would just go straight to my shop and work, well pretend to work. That was a solid plan. Just go on like nothing happened I would shoot the shit with folks in the shop, play a bit of Sim City, and pretend nothing had changed.
My plan was working, I was having a great day! Listening to coworkers recant crazy exploits from the weekend yet feigning like I just stayed in and slept the weekend away. That is when Adrian walked in wanting to step out for a sec to talk. No one suspected anything, this would happen from time to time, But I was all butterflies and girly inside. When we got in the hall, he just said “I will be at your place when you get off.” In that moment I surrendered! I stopped fighting my feelings and just decided to let things happen, shit I damn near wanted to give him a key to my place right then. For the first time I allowed my heart to be free. I allowed it to believe to wallow in the possibility of happiness. I wanted to know what being loved felt like, so I let go. I yielded power and control, I admitted defeat, I willingly allowed myself to be vulnerable, and admitted that I was not powerful enough to resist the pull of love. There was a quote from Fools Rush In that stuck with me; “You will never know love unless you surrender to it”. This was the first time I allowed myself to know love.
*** Reflection, being honest I have never allowed myself this luxury other than this once. I have had loves of a sort but looking back this was the only time I have ever surrendered to love. Is the love real without fully surrendering to it? I believe that there are levels to things like love, as well as different types of love. I have a general love for all humanity (yes even Donald Trump). I can’t help but to smile at everyone I cross paths with. I usually secretly wish that they have a great day or are successful with whatever they are doing in life. I love Q, Ty, and Mari (the kids) in ways I never thought possible. I have also allowed myself to be open to a degree of love in relationships but have not allowed myself to fully surrender or submit to it. I do not know that I am capable of doing so again. It would be nice tho.***