I actually just looked up the words surrender and submit and almost had a panic attack. It was all this talk of “yielding” power and control. To willingly give oneself up to another, to allow something to happen to you! There was also talk about the person you are surrendering or submitting to being more powerful or having authority over you! The surrendered party having admitted defeat because they were not powerful enough to resist! I do not know how this is humanly possible outside of an actual battle where one surrenders or submits so that they might survive to fight another day. I don’t know that I have the capacity to surrender to another human at this point in my life.
I was so happy before having kids I don’t think I loved anyone on earth as much as I loved her. In my mind she was this combination of daughter, sister, friend that I would do anything for. She was smart, funny, and so beautiful. Yet, she too had suffered at the hands of my mother. When she shared her pain with me, I felt all of my normal emotions, but I also felt guilt. I truly felt that I had abandoned her. Even though I was just a child at the time I felt responsible for leaving, like I had caused her to have to endure a life that I refused to.
I hated Linda’s boyfriend! I don’t like to use that word often, but I disliked him from the first time we met. It was just something about him that I did not like. He was so over the top player pimpish that I could not stand to say more than a few words to him. I would always find someplace to go whenever he came to see her.
I will say this, I’m hoping that sharing my story will help me feel free and fly.
This post marks the halfway point of my goal for the year. Number twenty-six of fifty-two posts I planned for this year! This may seem like a small feat to you but to me its monumental. This time last year I could barely eek out a single page, double spaced, with sixteen-point font!! I was…
I didn’t know how to date. Honestly, I am not that good at it even now. I just wanted to meet the ONE and be together. #Neo on a side tangent. It’s silly but every time I hear the phrase “the one” I think of Neo from the matrix! Back to my point though, I didn’t want the process of dating this guy or the next guy. Didn’t want to spend time trying to figure out who they were and getting past their representative.
I never thought I would be the drill team type. That sounded like extra work and it would take away from my weekends and so I was not really interested. The tour was just a formality, something that was standard stop on the base tour. Once we reached the home of the Crackerjacks (they were named after the traditional navy uniform) I was a tad intrigued. I was told that while being on the team did require some of your personal time, there were major perks. All students in A school had to meet up early in the morning and march in large groups to school, team members did not. All students had to have monthly uniform and room inspections team members did not. I was sold!!
We would challenge each other, we made a pact that we wouldn’t become statistics and had a strict no profanity rule.I was able to developer friendships that extended past school hours. I was with them when the news about Marvin Gaye died.
We sat on Tasha’s steps and cried. After the last tear had been spilled, we combined our loose change and went to the corner store for a bag of penny candy. Squirrel Nuts, Mary Janes, Jolly Ranchers, Jaw Breakers, and loose Now & Laters. Life was good.
Nights in the apartment produced voices that only my mother heard. She would fight against the voices with prayer and reading the Bible. She would sit us in a circle and read to us from the Bible. If our young eyes got heavy, we would be awaken by yells or a hit upside the head. Some nights my mother had to compete with our neighbor who would play Queen’s Another One Bites the Dust. I never recall meeting this neighbor, but my young impression was he was crazy. I was becoming fully exposed and recognized crazy.
Riding on the train from New York to Chicago was pretty uneventful. My mother sat quietly for the majority of the way, I honestly think I was getting on her nerves with all my questions. When she would talk, she would mention the M&Ms and how she couldn’t wait to share them with me. Chicago…