Exhaling

If you google the word waiting the first thing that pops up is:

“The action of staying where one is or delaying action until a particular time or until something else happens.”

So many people tell me I need to wait, to stop being such a busybody, to sit still so a man can find his way into my life. Excuse my French but FUCK that! Staying where I am delaying actions until when or what happens? The problems with waiting are many and the possible benefits are few. Ok, this is honestly one of the negative aspects of my personality. I don’t really know how to just wait. It feels absolutely ridiculous to me. I know what the definitions says but how does one actually just stay still and delay action?! To me that just sounds absolutely awful. I know several people I know who are waiting and it agitates me so much. Yes, I just laughed at myself!!

Perhaps it bothers me because again what are you waiting for? People are waiting for life to happen, but fail to realize that its happing RIGHT NOW. Waiting for love, waiting for the right moment, just waiting and waiting. I know people who put off travel because they are WAITING for a lover to take with them. There are others who will travel a bit but not to certain places because again they want to wait for that special person to go with. Really?! What happens when you wait and wait, and that person never arrives. You would reach the end of your days not only alone but also having missed out on seeing the world, experiencing new things, and new people. What if the person you were waiting for was waiting at the Eiffel tower to meet you, but you were waiting at home? I don’t want to live a half of a life waiting and creating mind movies (the way we imagine our life will go) of a future that may or may not happen. Many will say I’m pessimistic, hurt, or that I gave up on love. When the reality is, I am still a hopeful romantic, I simply don’t think my hope of finding love requires me to sit still.

I travel, read books, take flying lessons, make pottery, and just about anything that I see that tickles my fancy. Its, so much fun! I have had so many wonderful experiences and I wouldn’t be true to who I am as a person if I didn’t follow my heart. I think that some people do things for a variety of reasons and everyone has a right to live how they please. Some would say maybe I do so much to distract myself or to get away from my thoughts or loneliness, I assure you that is truly not the case. I simple see something like a trip, a play, an art exhibit and I will have an emotional reaction that compels me to do that specific thing. I want to go, to see, and to take pictures of whatever catches my eye along the way. I can’t explain it fully but having wonderful experiences and scrolling through my pictures on a random day makes me smile from the inside out.

I will admit that sometimes when I am on a trip or out in the world being my glorious adventurous self, there might be a sunset that makes me long for a companion in that moment. Yet, I wouldn’t trade the entire trip for the little bit of sadness I experience in that moment. When it hits me, I simply take a deep breath and try to absorb all the beauty of that moment into my lungs allowing the oxygen to be taken to every part of my body. I imagine the entire pathway that oxygen will take through my body and to my cells generating energy and creating carbon dioxide to make the journey back to my lungs to be released into this environment. I envision that carbon dioxide will be absorbed by a plant and converted into sugars.  A little bit of every place I have been lives in me and when I exhale a little of me remains in that place. I remember that I am connected to every living thing around me, and I my heart swells with joy. So nope no waiting for me.

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I know most think it’s all about just going on trips but it’s really not I just about travel. I just use that because it’s the big one. I tend to do a lot of things that would normally be done as a couple. I have been to ballets, plays, movies, fancy dinners, and I have even read books written specifically with couples in mind all by my damn self. I do these things not to prove a point but simply for the joy they provide. I just do not like the idea that there are things in life that I just don’t get to know or experience if I don’t have someone to do them with.

In 1995 the movie Waiting To Exhale was released starring Whitney Houston, Angela Bassett, Loretta Devine, and Lela Rochon. I remember reading the book and looking forward to the movie. I enjoyed both at the time, but of course you know I just took a two-hour break and re-watched it. I watched it again because I couldn’t really remember the full details behind the concept of waiting to exhale. So, after re-watching it again with the perspective of a 45-year-old the story is complicated. Each woman is truly trying to figure it all out. Each woman still makes quite a few bad decisions and mistakes. Sadly, none of them know exactly what to do with a life that exist outside of the traditional structure. Funny part is back in the 90’s when I watched the movie, I was unsure if I agreed with the concept of not fully relaxing into life (exhaling) unless you had a man or a child to give you comfort. Now, I know for sure that I don’t agree with that concept and never will. I get it, we all need and desire companionship and connection. I would love to have a mate to share life’s experiences with. I also know that while I’m waiting, I will be; making moves, traveling, reading books, and doing something of some sort. Exhaling and whatnot whilst I do.