I was always the one that ended things. I would stop the abandonment from happening. I cannot recall a time in my life where the other party ended a relationship with me (this happened before Mr. kayak). I ALWAYS did the leaving. I would never allow it to happen. NEVER. I had become something like an oracle or a prophet. I would always be analyzing the relationship and gaging where we were to ensure if things took a turn that I would be the one to recognize the inevitable end and snuff things out in a logical manner. Not this time. I let it be what it was. I didn’t try to organize it or plan how it would end. He simple moved on and I accepted it.
I bolted out of bed with a mix of excitement and a dash of fear. To me this is absolutely the best mix of emotions. I know, that most probably would not choose fear as one of the best emotions to have. Yet the energy of unbridled excitement tempered by a healthy dose of fear of the unknow is a delight. Think about it, what are the feelings you experience at the beginning of a new romance? The excitement and energy of wanting this new thing mixed with a bit of fear of getting hurt. For me every adventure feels like a new love, I’m sure replete with all the accompanying hormones. Yes, I know its weird but it my little adventures truly are the love of my life. I love each fully and by the end they love me fully in return.
Time is an amazing phenomenon. When we were young time was an exercise experienced with tremendous agony. Everything seemed to take an eternity, and anything that lasted one second longer than we expected was absolute torture. As we age time speeds up and we long for the ability to squeeze more moments out of every second.
I will say this, I’m hoping that sharing my story will help me feel free and fly.
For the first time during boot camp the training looked real segregated. I know I am gonna sound like an ass here, but it is what it is. We were split into two groups; swimmers and non-swimmers. And yup the non-swimming category was mostly composed of black folk with a few whites and people of other races sprinkled in. Sadly, I was one of the brown faces in the non-swimmer’s category.
It is hard to believe that in 2019, several states have successfully criminalized abortion. I currently live in Missouri who has only one abortion clinic in the state and last week the State Senate submitted a bill that would make it illegal to terminate a pregnancy after the 8th week. In 1992, my boyfriend JosephContinue reading “Pro Life’s Choices”
pho•bi•a: /fōbēe/ noun an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something. The thing about having a phobia is this misconception that it is an irrational fear. My fear of dogs are far from irrational. As a kid, I was always skittish… It didn’t matter (and still doesn’t) if it’s the cutest of catsContinue reading “Dogs”
Fear is a powerful mind fuck. For over two weeks I found myself in the grips of fear over my mammogram results. My first appointment was canceled and instead of me searching for the silver lining, fear dug it’s claws in deeper. I promise I can feel the undiagnosed cancer spreading through my body. IContinue reading “Fear Part 2… Weight or Motivator”
Fear had become a part of me, like a vestigial organ, hiding in the space between my heart and my lungs. Serving no purpose and providing no benefit at this point in my evolution. It would squeeze my heart just a bit to keep me from fully experiencing joy, reminding me to not get comfortable or let my guard down because pain was sure to arrive soon. It would push all the air out of my lungs and leave me gasping for oxygen when I began to consider the possibility that I was enough, conditioning me so I would know that I was not…