I am a work in progress. I am not perfect, I am not the most beautiful, nor am I the smartest. I am ME. No one else is me and no one else can ever be me. In the famous words of Rocket Racoon from Gradians of the Galaxy “Ain’t no thing like me ‘cept me”. Yet, even with all my meness I am enough, I am good enough and worthy of all that life has to offer. I feel comfortable in who I am, and I am at peace with the fact that there will be people who disagree, as is their right. I am telling you all this because all the work I have done and am still doing had not done a single thing to fix one of my longstanding issues and insecurities. I have abonnement issues. I say have and not had because traces of them still linger to this day. I have managed to recignize and come to terms with it thanks to Mr. Abandonment. Mr. Abandonment and I dated long before I ever Met Mr. kayak and he is why I didn’t take it personally when that situation didn’t work out.
I had given online dating a rest. Online dating was actually a good way to meet people, but it took a lot of effort. Going through message after crazy message, screening profiles, going to meet and chat. I was just not that interested anymore. I still wanted to date folks I just didn’t want to actually do what it took for that to happen. Then boom out of nowhere my good friend Shaun pops up telling me about some new dating app that I had to try because he had just met the love of his life within a week. If it were anyone else, I would have just listened and say I would check it out but then not. This was Shaun not someone prone to flights of fancy, and I actually respect his crazy ass opinion, so I gave it a look. Within a day I met Mr. Abandonment.
Our conversation started off slowly, but he was very charming, and we agreed to meet. He was the tallest guy I had ever met! Very handsome, well spoken and a gentleman. I kind of knew from the start that the relationship between us would be ephemeral. He was recently divorced and new to the city. Normally I would have done a preemptive strike and shut things down before they started. This time I decided to just let go and allow myself to have fun, to just be open, be vulnerable, and love someone with no real walls and no expectations. It was terrifying. I had always thought that you had to save love for the person you were going to marry. I really thought it was childish or silly to just go around loving people all willy nilly! I don’t know why, but I just thought there was a limit to the number of people you could love, and that love was so special that it could not just be given freely to others. At this point I don’t understand how you could truly get to know someone and not love them. It sounds crazy, but love is universal, relationships are not. Love just is, there is no limit to it, you can give love everyday for the rest of your life and that love will have grown a thousand-fold by being passed from one person to another. Love is limitless and infinite. Now weather two people can figure out how to combine their love and grow towards one another is a whole different thing.
Mr. Abandonment and I went on dates, we hiked, we talked, and shared a lot. From the beginning I could tell that he was holding back. I understood that he was a transition stage. His son was just about to graduate from high school, and this would be the first time he was really on his own in nearly a quarter of a century. We talked about books, spiritual and personal growth. And it was nice for a while but there came a point when I realized that things were off. There was just a level of connection that was not there, and I was not going to force my way over the wall and find myself someplace I aught not be. There were no arguments no drama. Normally I would have pushed a little (ok a lot) more. I would have tried my hardest to make him see how amazing I was. I would have read a book or tried to understand why it didn’t work or why I wasn’t enough and if that didn’t work, I would just end things, but not this time.
I was always the one that ended things. I would stop the abandonment from happening. I cannot recall a time in my life where the other party ended a relationship with me (this happened before Mr. kayak). I ALWAYS did the leaving. I would never allow it to happen. NEVER. I had become something like an oracle or a prophet. I would always be analyzing the relationship and gaging where we were to ensure if things took a turn that I would be the one to recognize the inevitable end and snuff things out in a logical manner. Not this time. I let it be what it was. I didn’t try to organize it or plan how it would end. He simple moved on and I accepted it.
There was no one lesson I could point to that I can say helped me with this. To many this may seem like such a simple event, but for me it was very emotional and very difficult. I have struggled with abandonment since I was a child. To me if someone didn’t want to be with me it was because of some major flaw and unloveableness about me. There was a voice that would whisper “people like you don’t get to be truly loved.” I had to allow myself the space and time to reflect on life and all of its lessons. This allowed me to understand my wholeness and to know that it is my possession alone, no one can make me whole nor take away from my wholeness.
I was whole and the fact that he didn’t want to be with me didn’t take away from my wholeness. The fact that he ended things did not make him a bad person. Hell, I had a long history of ending things myself! It would be hypocritical of me to think ill of him and not feel the same about myself. I value the experiences and conversations that we shared and am grateful that our paths crossed. He was the test that life sent me. Its one thing to read and analyze and say what you should do and how things should go. How you handle yourself when a situation is in front of you is what matters most. Will you crumble and fall into past patterns or will you accept the challenge and process the emotions so that you can grow? I chose to grow. Everyone wants to grow but no one really explains how hard it is. Perhaps it’s too hard to explain and falls in the category of practical or hands on situations. You just have to be open and experience it to understand fully. Understanding is linked to love. You cannot deeply love that which you do not understand. I listened and grew my understanding of him as a person. As my understanding of him grew so did my understanding of self. Selflove filled all the dark and empty places and it was easy to accept that he moved on. Its crazy how allowing myself to experience love and endure its loss helped me understand so much.
** The anxiety and fear of being abandoned is far worse than the reality of it. In reality the transgression only happens once. In our mind it can happen every day in hundreds of different ways with hundreds of horrible outcomes. None of those are true, it will never be as bad as you imagine. It will probably hurt but you will definitely survive. “I think that little by little I’ll be able to solve my problems and survive.” Frida Kahlo. ***