Mr. Neverwas…

I sat thinking and reflecting. I walked a way from my laptop for a few hours that ended up being an entire day. See I was trying to reflect on my relationship with Mr. Neverwas. The problem was there was never an actual relationship. I thought of poetry, songs, and movies and none seemed to fit. Its odd that I feel this way because I know for a fact that there had been multiple times, I did have a story or a song that I believed fit but for some reason now none come to mind.  Perhaps its where I am mentally now that has my mind corrected and my romantic fanciful notions have adjusted to reality.

I met Mr. Neverwas early into my singlehood.  I was fresh out of my marriage yet still really though I would be in a relationship within a short time. We talked a lot and enjoyed one another’s company. Foolishly I assumed this meant that we were a couple. All it took was a few minutes clicking around on Facebook for me to find out that we were not a couple at all. So of course, I screenshot the evidence and sent it to my sister. Except that part about my sister, I accidentally sent the pics to him!!! This was not really a big deal since I was done with him anyway, but in the moment, it was ridiculously funny.

So that was that. I moved on with my life and did who knows what. Six months or so later he messaged me. I don’t know what we talked about, but he asked me out and I agreed. He was so apologetic, and even bought flowers. He admitted to his wrongs and seemed like a totally different guy. So, I thought to myself perhaps this could work. Except the part where it didn’t. I don’t recall exactly but there was a transgression (lying) on his part of some sort and things ended.

Again, I moved on with my life and dated Mr. N’awlins and all that came with that situation. Wouldn’t you know that Mr. Neverwas just happened to reach out to me like the day after the big blow up between Mr. N’awlins and I. He just wanted to catch up and see how I was doing. I know. I met him out someplace probably at Pappadeaux’s restaurant. It was nice to catch up and chat I really just needed someone to talk too. Clearly this was before I had learned the concept of lessons being repeated until they are learned. Yup you guessed it we started dating again and just like clockwork about a few months in some lie or betrayal took place and that was that.

I moved on yet again, dated other folks, and eventually met Mr. Particular, yup about a week or so after that ended, I got a message again. I know.  I had known him for like six years, we had dated at least three times and never transitioned into a relationship. From the outside it made no sense. Most of my friends disliked him and couldn’t understand it. I also know reading this many will jump to sex. That the sex must have been what it was all about and honestly it was a part of it, but not like you may think. I knew him, he was familiar, and oddly I was able to be comfortable and enjoy myself. I could talk about sex and things I wanted that I hadn’t been comfortable with before. Yet, that was not what it was all about.

We were broken things, and we talked about everything and anything. Our childhoods, military life, past relationships, there was nothing we didn’t discuss. The other part was most people have never seen the full force of my anger. I do not believe a single person in my family nor my closest friends have seen me get past a point of upset. Each time we parted ways I would say the most hurtful things I could possibly think of in the worst possible ways to him. I unleashed all the pent-up anger and spewed it like a volcanic eruption. I was married to Adrian for nearly fifteen years and he had never even experienced anything close. I had been hurt before, lied to before, and yet I never ended things with anyone the way I ended things with him. So months later when he would reach out I would feel awful and I didn’t really understand why he would try to talk to me, my true intentions were to say the worst things I could imagine to make sure he would hate me and never talk to me again. That didn’t actually work.

So, we became friends and we danced this dance again and again until I was done. This was not one of those movies like Love Jones, where they figure it out and end up together. I don’t know the exact date or time. There was no argument, no lies, no anger, it was just done. I didn’t explain it to him, there was no need to. Things just changed. It was as if a switch flipped and that was that. We are friends and talk from time to time to this day. I believe that we are in each other’s lives for multiple reasons. I needed an outlet for my anger, I know it’s not nice, but it was something I needed. I needed to learn how to open my big mouth and say what I wanted and did not want. I needed a friend that wouldn’t judge me so that I could finally understand that I am worthy of love even at my ugliest of moments. He helped me find peace. For that I will always love him, but it was time for me to move on. For real. I just hope that I also helped him, that he gained something of value from our friendship.

“When the student is ready the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready… The teacher will Disappear.”  Tao Te Ching

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