What a Difference a Year (and a lot of reflection) Makes

“Time rules over us without mercy. Not caring if we’re healthy or ill. Hungry or drunk. Russian, American, or beings from Mars. It’s like a fire, it could either destroy us or it could keep us warm…, we live, or we die by the clock. We never turn our back on it and we never ever allow ourselves the sin of losing track of time.” C. Noland

Time is an amazing phenomenon. When we were young time was an exercise experienced with tremendous agony. Everything seemed to take an eternity, and anything that lasted one second longer than we expected was absolute torture. As we age time speeds up and we long for the ability to squeeze more moments out of every second. Just a few minutes more snuggled next to the slobbery cheeks of our long-grown children. If we could just add a few more hours to each minute spent with those we love that still wouldn’t be enough time. I am sitting here with the makings of tears and the remnants of missed moments. How I wish that there was more.

Yesterday marked one full year of Deliberately Dope! This has both been the longest and shortest year of my life. I embarked on this journey long before my bestie and I came up with our Deliberately Dope page. I had been telling myself for years that I would write this story or that. Yet, every time I sat down to write little to nothing actually came out of me. I simply wasn’t ready is what I would tell myself. I had to wait, and it would hit me, is another one I would throw out. The truth was much simpler, I was afraid.

I was afraid of being truly seen, to be judged, to create something from my soul and expose parts of myself that no one even knew existed. I needed a way to walk into my deepest fears and make it through to the other side whole. I was so used to do everything on my own, on my terms, and with little or no help for so long I didn’t even know how to ask for help. I knew my bestie Charmane was a writer and that she was always in the middle of everything current. One evening we were talking, and the subject of writing came up and I immediately got an idea. We should do it together!! I wasn’t good at asking for help , so I just disguised it with boisterousness  and excitement. we would simply do it together! I laugh because Char will say she need me to keep pushing her, but I needed to have someone to push. I don’t know if it makes sense but the words, I said to her I was also saying to myself. The suggestions and conversations about reflecting and digging deep were my way of convincing myself to push forward. I couldn’t let her down, I couldn’t make suggestions or give advice that I myself couldn’t accept. It was tough and deeply emotional some days.  Those were the days when Char would talk with me and we would reminisce and find every little bit of joy to be found in every tear. This blog has helped me tap into my deepest sorrows and the most amazing moments of my life. Through this experience I have expanded my heart and grown my soul! I will be forever grateful to Char for her love and wisdom. Thank you so much for being in this with me.

Yes, I just went and watched Cast Away with Tom Hanks and Willison (shout out to Amazon for always coming through in the clutch). I can’t believe that it has been twenty years since that movie came out! Re-watching it now was so much more meaningful for me. Twenty years ago, when I watched I was operating with a different clock. I appreciated the tale but could have fast forwarded through most of the time spent on the island. It was too slow, it lasted too long, and I was ready for him to get back to his life. Tonight, watching it at the pace of my current circadian rhythm, I was fully engrossed and before I knew it he was in the middle of the ocean desperately trying to grab Wilson as he drifted just out of his reach. I found myself not wanting him to return to his life of clock watching and time slavery. I enjoyed his awkwardness and taciturn style of communication, as he made his attempt to synchronize his life. Realizing that perhaps the busy world wind life he had was actually not the life he wanted. What he longed for was the time he had lost especially before the crash. I think many of us need to pull ourselves away from that clock keeping drudgery and create the most moments within these minutes that we have left. “I got to keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?”  C. Noland

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