Dating 101: Mr. N’awlins

I had a few relationships, all of which have failed fantastically! I can say that with a smile on my face now, looking back having fully absorbed and processed the hands-on lessons of each. During each relationship I decided to just be fully my true self, to be open to the possibilities of love, to allow myself to be vulnerable and to take things SLOW. Three out of four ain’t too bad right? The slow part was not as easy as the others.  It just seemed that if I wanted slow, they wanted fast and if they wanted slow, I wanted fast! I didn’t fully understand it then but much of my need to rush was fear based. If I had met someone, I liked I needed to jump to the relationship part so that I would know that they would stay with me. I had a strong fear of abandonment. I was so foolish. It was this type of foolishness that led me to my most embarrassing situation in my dating history.

I was out with a coworker at this spot called Pop Dinner. I really liked that spot. It had a cool look, lots of vintage video games, pop icon paintings, cool decor, and delightfully fun specialty cocktails. My friend and I sat at a table just across from the bar enjoying our evening when a few guys walked in and sat at the bar. I didn’t really notice when they came in but shortly after they did, Mr. N’awlins struck up a conversation. Nothing fancy just a joke about my drink and of course I shot back (it’s the streets in me). That was when I noticed how attractive he was. He was about my height or so, smooth tan/ light brown skin, hazel eye, nice beard, and a strong New Orleans accent. He looked like a cross between Michael Ealy and a young Frankie Beverly, in other words he was fine fine. I wasn’t looking the best, just off work in a grey sundress and chucks, but he looked at me as if I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. I was a bit flustered but didn’t really buy it. don’t get me wrong I loved how it felt, he made it obvious that he was interested, no beating around the bush at all. I guess I was still a tad self-conscious and just didn’t believe that someone could be that taken with me in one encounter, especially in a frumpy sundress and chucks. At the end of the night we exchanged numbers, but I doubted that I would see him again.

I was wrong he called me, but I didn’t answer. He texted me a few times to try to get me to go out with him, but I was kind of evasive. To be honest he was the most attractive man I had ever met and that kind of scared me away. I know I know; it sounds crazy but its true.  I am a very outgoing person but that is usually in neutral situations. Like when we first met at the bar there was no intention to get this guy, I was just purely talking shit. But now here this beautiful man was pursuing me. I eventually relented, he sent me a text asking if he could just have the opportunity to get to know me? I said sure. We met up in uptown at a nice little spot, that I don’t recall the name of. It was the two of us for a bit but some of his friends came and we all went to his place. He had a huge townhouse in uptown. His friends and their girlfriends were all drinking and playing music. He and I slipped out and sat out on the balcony talking until just before sunrise. I was smitten! We were basically a couple from that day forward. Yeah, definitely not slow.

He was nearly perfect! He was from New Orleans and as such was a little country and a tad chauvinistic but not too much. He started talking about marriage right away. While it was tempting, I pushed for us to wait. My inner sassy black girl was like BITCH NO! He said he understood and would be patient but would joke about running to the courthouse at least once a month. I thought it was sweet and we would laugh it off and just enjoy the little bits of time we had together. I was working and had kids he was working and branching off to start his own business. I loved his drive and began to help out with his business. I would generate spread sheets and do minor clerical work when he needed. I really enjoyed it and had kind of started think about all that marriage stuff he kept talking about. We had only been dating for about four or five months when I agreed that we could get married but only after we had been together for a year. I was so happy! After the sixth month mark, I introduced him to the boys, it was kinda awkward but went well. I had keys to his place, and he had the code to mine. Life was good.

As he transitioned to doing his business full time things started to change. He had lost some clients right away and was hustling to replace them. He suggested that I go in with him in the business. I didn’t fully understand his business; all I knew was that it had to do with real state and small business loans. I saw the statements and handled the paperwork but didn’t understand how it all worked. He looked at me with those eyes and kept talking about us building together, I decided to join. I still worked but helped out more and over the course of a few months I contributed around 15k to the business. Everything was going well, and I was assured that within three months I would have a full return on my investment. Besides he planned to marry me as soon as I would allow him to, he said this as he kissed my forehead. The first month I got a five-thousand-dollar payment.

One day I was working on a spreadsheet and needed a formula for something I don’t recall what it was. So I asked him and he erupted in a psychotic rage at me! He called me every name you could think of and then some. I was an idiot, stupid ass bitch, I turned the volume completely off I could see his mouth moving but only muffled sounds reached my ears. He never touched me, but he didn’t have to his words were so vile and hurtful physically hitting me would have just been a formality.

While he was talking in my mind, I visualized that this was a scene from a Lifetime movie about me. This was the turning point where the woman (me) began her descent down the path to be a battered woman.  I listened in silence and then gathered my things and walked towards the door. Of course, he was just under stress with the business, of course he didn’t really mean it, and besides I was too sensitive. He told me how much he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, that I would just need to be more understanding of what he was going through. I went to my car and drove home. I didn’t talk to him for a few days. He texted and called me constantly. The messages were all over the place some were apologetic others were telling me to get over myself, and in a few he suggested we just go to the courthouse and get married now. I agreed to meet him and talk but marriage was not on the agenda.

We met at Pappadeaux’s and sat on the patio; I have no idea what he said. All I could see is fake smiles and dumb excuses. I have my issues. In this moment when I looked at him all I could think about was how I felt in my teen years when my stepmom would say hurtful things to me. She too was always sorry and would do nice thing after, but it was never real. After we ate, I told him that it was over. Of course, he was angry and said some hurtful things that he would apologize for via text as I drove home.

I only saw him once more after that to return his key and to get a five-thousand-dollar payment. The meeting and trade went smoothly. Sadly, he called saying I didn’t give him the right key and that I would have to come meet him with the right key and a bunch of other drama about how much he missed me. I snapped and went off! When I have decided that I am done, and someone keeps pushing my mouth can be vicious. Sometimes I feel like I’m the hulk, it takes a lot to get me to that point but once I’m there I will say whatever it takes to get you out of my life. The proverbial hulk smash, I never heard from him again. There would be no Lifetime movies about me and Mr. N’awlins, and I would never see the rest of my money.

** I was so ashamed of this situation I questioned whether or not I should include it in the blog. I decided to push ahead because its part of the story. Was it foolish? Yes! Did I learn something about myself? Oh, hell yes! I may have lost a bit of money but some of life’s courses have heavy fees. Fortunately, all it cost me was a bit of money and some little hurt feelings. No Lifetime movies will be made about me!**