According to Plato’s, The Symposium, humans were originally created with two sets of arms, two sets legs and a head with two faces. They were very powerful in this form and that power generated fear in the Gods. To diminish their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts. weakening and condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves. This was how I imagined Adrian and I, instead of just regular humans I imagined us to be more of a two headed Godzilla. For the last fourteen years I had been half of Parker Zillia. Parker Zillia was supposed to have been this dynamic two headed monster taking the world by storm! You know crushing shit! Doing big things and making things happen. I now had to figure out how to come to terms with our bisection. How to regrow and develop what atrophy had taken away. The ignored and unused parts of me I had put on the shelf needed to be gathered dusted off and prepared for use. Now would start the hard work, the physical and emotional therapy required to make a half a whole. I was in search of my other half, and not another person. I was searching from within.
This was kind of not like me. The divorce was totally an emotional decision. When it comes to major life decisions, I am very logical, I am a planner. I rarely made moves without a solid plan in place. My childhood had taught me that one should always have a plan A, B, C, and hell DEFG. I had been thinking about getting a divorce and as such had a rudimentary plan, but it was not yet a solid plan. My emotions kind of pushed up my time table, being an emotional human feels ridiculous to me sometimes. I know many will read that and say, “thats just cold, who plans their divorce?” I believe everyone should! Who just gets mad and storms out with no plan at all?! My plan was to stay save up money, get as close to done with school as possible, get divorced, and move on with my life. It was a good starting plan, but I hadn’t mapped out all the details. I wanted things to be just right and for the stars to align so I could end things and transition smoothly. Hilariousness! I wanted a well-planned and orchestrated divorce. I wanted us to be rational and transition into being this new version of us. Not together but still a team for the kids and our individual happiness. I believed this was possible because we had been friends first and as such, I saw no reason why we couldn’t just reset. Yes, we were both hurting but I truly felt it did no one any good to wallow in the dramatics of it. just rip the band aid off. Let the wound get some air. Put some Neosporin on that bitch and be great!! I know, I know… What I wanted was for Parker Zilla to split and each half regrow what was lost and become two whole Zillias fucking shit up (all be it individually, separately, and freely). I could go be happy and so could he. This could have happened if both Zillias agreed and wanted to split. It could have worked if both Zillias were open to honest communication and therapy. Only one Zilla was though, Me Zillia.
Adrian was still working out of state so at least I didn’t have to see him regularly. But the times when he came to town he still stayed at the house (in the guest room). So, he was still contributing to the house for a little while. For a while I thought we would be ok, that I had supported him for years and we were friends, but right away things took a turn. Adrian began doing and saying things I believe that were done with the intent to hurt me. I know its hard to understand how I could be hurt when I was the one that wanted logic and planning. Logic does not remove your ability to feel things deeply it just means you allow yourself some mental space to process, to understand your feelings, and to respond or react in a reasonable way. Most people don’t do things this way. So, I understood his anger and frustration. It appeared as if I didn’t care that it was really easy for me to move on, but it was the hardest thing I have ever done.
While trying to balance my emotions during the most painful time in my life I had to go to school, go to work in the lab, take care of the kids, grow and heal, and deal with Adrian’s shit! Don’t get me wrong our divorce was still a lot more peaceful than most. We agreed on the terms for the kids’, house, and all that easily. The hard part was the passive aggressive jabs and my insistence that we would be friends and still be cool. I was doing everything I could to make that happen while Adrian was doing his best to prevent that. He just kept jabbing. I took each blow and remained peaceful I figured in time he would work through it and we would be on our Zillia shit!
I would just deal with the stress of it all. It would only be for a while, this was the hard work that would lay the foundation to a great post marriage friendship. We would show people how it should be done! I was still focusing on him and making everything about him. I was still not focusing on ME and neglecting my sprit. I was so worried about how the kids were and building the friendship with him I found myself right back in the same position I was in before we separated. Miserable and more stressed than ever! I was no where near finding my inner half. I felt more disconnected from myself than ever. I still had made no space for me to reconnect with myself. The weight of the missing parts of me grew heavier as the days passed.
**Why was I doing it? why did I want this friendship so badly? I hated to fail. I don’t know anyone who likes it. I believed that if I was gonna fail I would take that failure and turn it into something beautiful! I would show them! They would see I was good. They would know I was of value. They would be proud of how well I handled things. Its amazing how much I valued what “they” the others would think of me. I was still that poor dirty little black girl trying to prove my worth.***