The Child That Never Was…

I had a movie in my mind of what my life would be. I would be intentional, I would plan, and I would move from one stage of life to the next in a well-orchestrated way. I would not be like my mom or dad! I would use the bad examples provided by my aunts, uncles, and the people around me as a clear road map for what to avoid in life. I was always watching, observing, and learning from their mistakes. I failed to realize that life is not a collage course that you can take notes on and test out of. There were zero credit hours for the hundreds of hours I had taken in the core areas of; Which uncle is locked up and why 101, Bad Relationships 102, and Accidental Pregnancy’s and their consequences 1300. I just knew I could skip a grade or two if I studied and prepared myself for life. Sadly, life is a hands-on course, studying will help but we all have to get our hands dirty. In the movie of my life I was gonna get a degree, marry, possibly have a family, and live happily ever after. The role of baby momma was never even up for consideration. But there I was in my late 30’s degreed, divorced, and officially a baby momma.

When I was young, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids. I didn’t like them. They cried a lot, pooped a lot, and needed a lot of your time and attention! I never got caught up in the cuteness, the chubby cheeks, or any other “adorable” baby things. I never babysat for my aunts, never! I was not interested even if I could earn money. I truly did not enjoy being around kids. I had a friend in high school who had a baby when she was thirteen. That little kid had to tagalong to everything! Of course, most of the men that helped create these babies were nowhere around. Almost all of the women I knew were baby mommas. Working and sacrificing their young years to raise a child alone. I could not imagine living my life with some little human totally dependent on me! In high school I decided I would never have children. I would NEVER be a baby momma.

My disdain for children persisted until I was around twenty-six or so. One day I don’t remember the exact day that it happened, perhaps it was that invisible biological clock that we women are supposed to possess. I don’t know why it happened, but I did know I was gonna have one, and it was ok if I did because I was a wife and a wife is NOT a baby momma. A wife has a husband and together they raise the child or children with love, light, and butterflies or some silly shit like that. I was so hopeless; I am literally laughing at myself.

Adrian and I talked about it and started planning for when we would start the hard work of making a baby! I wanted the baby to be born in the summer so we could do fun family trips for their birthday, it was all a part of my movie. With that in mind, we decided to start around my birthday (our anniversary) that year. We were pregnant about a month after I stopped taking the pill!! I was so excited! I had a little human growing inside of me! I told everyone and we started looking to buy our first house. Everything was working as it was supposed to the movie was right on schedule and underbudget!

One day I was working and chatting with friends about what we thought the sex would be, I only had a week or so to go before I would know for sure. I wanted a girl, but everyone said it would be a boy and as we went on break and made jokes I stopped by the restroom. When I did there was blood! Not a lot but I was afraid, so I called my doctor and left for the day. I went to the office they took a urine sample and did an ultrasound and told me to go home and stay on bed rest until the doctor could call me and discuss the results. I did as I was told and just laid on the couch. This was pre cell phones, so I had called Adrian’s job and left a message when he called me back, I stood up to get the phone and felt a sudden gush. I ran to the bathroom and could clearly see the I had miscarried. I don’t remember everything clearly, but I got off the phone with him and I think I called 911 because I didn’t know what to do. I was told to collect everything and go to the hospital. I gathered the remains of my unborn child and drove myself to the ER. I don’t remember crying, but it feels like I did. I sat there listening and quickly sending every person that I spoke to into the singularity, the blackhole of no return. I did not need to remember any of these people or the hospital.  I sat in a waiting area until Adrian showed up and took me home. When I got home, I was hit by a wave of shame and grief. I had just realized that I had left my baby in that hospital!!! MY BABY!!! They would throw MY BABY into the trash! I could see it in my mind some nurse just tossing it in the biohazard bin with used gauze and other trash! I could see that bag being picked up by a janitor ant the end of the day and taken to a dumpster. I didn’t know how hospitals handled waist at the time but in my mind the trash was burned. MY BABY! I cried visibly for a day, inwardly I cried for months, and even now today pools gather in my eyes when ever I think about my first child that never was.

This was not scripted. This was not in my notes. I had not studied or prepared for this. This was real life…

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