The good thing about having my own personal black hole and magic black boxes to store unwanted things in is it allows you to breath. To pull myself up off the couch and go back to work and face the world just two days after one of the deepest losses I had experienced in my life. I could force a smile and make other people feel better by letting them know I was ok. For the most part I was. I was logical; I knew I was young and healthy and that I would try again. What made me sad was that I kept feeling like I abandoned my child, that perhaps I wasn’t cut out to be a mom. A few weeks after my miscarriage I found out a neighbor’s daughter had gone through a similar situation but had taken the baby’s remains and buried them, placed a fountain over it and had a plaque with the intended name on it. I felt even worse. Adrian didn’t understand and had no idea how to comfort me so I started to pretend to be fine at home too, so that he would feel better too.
We decided to give it another go. This time was not as smooth as before, we tried for months and nothing. We began to track my ovulation cycle and abstain leading up to the optimum days to improve our odds. It took us just over a year of trying before we were successful! I was again super excited; things were back on track. We had one on the way and we were closing on first our house. My movie was coming together quite nicely! Q was born on July 3rd at 11:30 pm after nine and a HALF months and 40 hours of labor! He was amazing! Well to be honest he was a weird little lizard looking kid, yet still amazing being none the less.
I know its cliché, but I couldn’t stop looking at him. His little weird face and tiny T-rex arms were perfect. It really felt like magic, I made him from scratch! ME! In my belly!! Yes, I know Adrian added the secret sauce, but I literally made this kid. From one cell to trillions all with my amazing belly! This little person a living being with thoughts, wants, and needs. I took pictures constantly, read to him, played with him, kissed him, and I loved him in ways I never knew were possible. To his credit Adrian was a great dad he would fall asleep with him on his chest and lay on the floor playing with him for hours. Not long after having Q I started to get the itch again. I wanted a little girl. Initially Adrian was on the fence but one day while we were playing with Q, he agreed that it would be cool to have two little miracles running around the house.
The third time was the charm! I got knocked up within a few months and everything was chugging along. I just knew it would be a girl! I wore pink almost every day to hedge my bets and when the day came the technician said “Ooo, look here, it’s a boy!” I was a tad disappointed but just for a few. I would have two little boys and that meant I would be the ONLY girl in the house. So even though I could be out voted I would also have free me time to do girly things. Ty was born on April 28th, but I don’t recall the time. Ty had to be taken by cesarean. Unbeknownst to me, my water had broken and during my last doctors visit my doctor admitted me and within a short time Ty was brought forth.
He was an amazing little weird looking kid too. He was balled up top with straight hair around the sides! He looked like a little old man. This time I was a boss when it came to breast-feeding and I knew how to do things a lot better than I did the first go round. Ty was my pudgy sweet and fussy baby. He had the chubbiest cheeks and a ton of personality. Ty also had the best kisses! Sometimes sloppy but always sweet. He was always making silly faces and always eating. I remember watching the boys play. All three, Ty holding onto an ottoman scooting around to escape his dad as Q hoped on Adrian’s back to protect his brother. This was joy! These were my boys!
These memories feel so good! As I write I can feel the warmth of the sun streaming through our living room window. I can hear the squeals and the laughter. I can smell the baby magic I dutifully slathered over them. And I can taste the meals we shared at our table. Knowing what I know now would I repeat the decisions of my past? Yes, and YES! I would never change a single thing that lead to the creation of these two kidos. A life of no regret is a fairytale, I have a few, but not a single moment of anything to do with Q or Ty. And I’m not just saying that because they will probably read this (I know they will). I say this because even though the drive me crazy and can be a real pain sometimes, they have helped me grow in so many ways.
My children have taught me so much about life, love, understanding, patience, and kindness. They have truly helped me be come a better version of myself. The best of these lessons happened after the divorce when I officially became a baby momma.