I had a few months before I left for the Navy, so I figured I would hang around all my friends and family before I left. I had saved up a nice lil stash of money and planned to sponsor multiple rounds of shenanigans before I hit the road. Since my birthday was in September,…
Victim is an interesting word. in the late 15th century it meant to sacrifice a person or animal as part of a religious rite. In the mid-1600s its meaning shifted to denote someone being “hurt tortured or killed” by someone. In the early 1700s, there was more evolution regarding what types of things one could…
Sharing the same space with someone can be a real eye opener. The myth of the magical fantasy had worn off shortly after I moved in with Mike. What’s crazy is that I have no idea how it happened, I don’t recall the words he used, I can’t recall when or even where it took place, NOTHING about it at all but at some point, Mike and I got engaged. I remember the ring, a one carat marquise cut, it was exactly what I wanted.
Love is another one of the words that I have struggled to truly understand. I grew up in an environment where I didn’t feel loved in the way stories, movies, and TV shows described it. I knew my parents cared about me, but I honestly didn’t feel loved and therefore had no real-life reference for what love actually felt like or really was. I had only the perfect stories from sources not based in reality. The sad part is while I longed for that perfect love, deep down I didn’t feel that I deserved it or would ever actually have it.
Our apartment was a shabby unit in a four family flat her granddad owned. We furnished it with golden velvety sofas, wonderful old-school tables, and art donated from her family. We were grown! Hah! We had people over, we worked, we went to school, and we did as we pleased.
During lunch, we sat together and often talked about gossip. There was a girl at school who had gone down on a boy! Everyone was talking about it saying things like “don’t let her drink out of your soda!” We had a whole panel discussion about how we would never do such a thing and what extremes it would take for us to EVER consider it. This is so funny and was definitely a different time, all the scenarios involved a gun, a knife, a bat, or marriage!! We were young and thought we knew what was, what should be, and what would be. In reality, we had no idea at all.
More than anything I wanted to be loved. I wanted to know that somebody truly loved me. I craved to feel of value to another person, mostly because I was unsure of my value. I knew all the catch phrases, I knew that I was beautiful inside and out, I knew that I was supposed to love myself, I knew that I was in charge of my own happiness, and I really believed those things but only on a surface level.
I honestly wish I had written down some of his Floydisms. I just remember a few but whenever I think of him it feels like him bossing us around, silly words, laughter, and love. This one-time Tonya and I tried to do laundry on New Years day and he caught us and went off! We didn’t know it at the time but apparently it was bad luck to do laundry on the first day of the year I mean he was big mad and could not believe we would do such a thing. Our favorite quote from that day was “I can’t believe y’all up I here doing laundry! Niggahs in this house is crazy!!” lmao!! To this day we call every New Years day to make sure that no one in our house does laundry, we laugh, and the story is retold again and again.
You can’t just take a kid from a bad situation and plop them into a better environment and expect them to act as if they had always lived that life. You can’t expect them to just be grateful to be there and adjust. They have so much to unpack. Clothes and whatever other tawdry belongings they might have will be swiftly and neatly stowed away. What remains in the darkest unseen corners of the last trash bag they brought with them is all the years of pain, hurt, shame, and anger they have been dragging behind them. I stayed away and didn’t tell them where I was that weekend. I returned after school that Monday, I knew that I probably wouldn’t live there long, and I knew I didn’t want to go back to my mom. I had no idea what I was going to do. I felt numb nothing mattered except finishing school, so I could get into a college to get away from everyone and everything I knew
I had all the hormones, emotions, and anger of a normal teenage girl added with a difficult childhood, abuse, and neglect. In my mind I was GROWN. I examined many of the “adults” in my life and was confident that I was their equal or superior in a multitude of ways. I watched how many of them lived their lives and vowed that I would not live my life like them. They would serve an anti-example of how to live my life. I worked, saved money, I was responsible for two kids, and I knew Education was the key to changing my situation because no one was coming to save me. I would have to save myself, not my “real” mom, not my aunts, not my dad, no one. I would have to save me.