I had always known how difficult raising children would be and I knew that raising them alone would be even more difficult. My ability to plan helped with the logistics but children require so much more than a logistical task master. They need a person to talk to. Some one to teach them what life is about. They need more than food, clothes, and shelter. Children need to be loved. Loved and parented so that they can grow, live, and pass that love on to the next generation. Sounds simple but I wasn’t raised that way. I did’t feel that I possed enough love for myself, so there was definitely not enougy to be pass on to the next generation.
I was googling around and decided to look up baby momma. I knew there would be many ah rap song and other ridiculous videos dedicated to baby mommas. I knew there was a movie titled Baby Momma staring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I also knew there was a baby momma dance. What I didContinue reading “Baby Momma”
Time is an amazing phenomenon. When we were young time was an exercise experienced with tremendous agony. Everything seemed to take an eternity, and anything that lasted one second longer than we expected was absolute torture. As we age time speeds up and we long for the ability to squeeze more moments out of every second.
These memories feel so good! As I write I can feel the warmth of the sun streaming through our living room window. I can hear the squeals and the laughter. I can smell the baby magic I dutifully slathered over them. And I can taste the meals we shared at our table. Knowing what I know now would I repeat the decisions of my past? Yes, and YES! I would never change a single thing that lead to the creation of these two kidos.
I had a movie in my mind of what my life would be. I would be intentional, I would plan, and I would move from one stage of life to the next in a well-orchestrated way. I would not be like my mom or dad! I would use the bad examples provided by my aunts,Continue reading “The Child That Never Was…”
“Tears are words that need to be written.” P. Coelho
According to Plato’s, The Symposium, humans were originally created with two sets of arms, two sets legs and a head with two faces. They were very powerful in this form and that power generated fear in the Gods. To diminish their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts. weakening and condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves. This was how I imagined Adrian and I, instead of just regular humans I imagined us to be more of a two headed Godzilla.
Breaking out of the box you have been in is definitely going to be hard. However, it will never be as torturous as dying the slow death caused by pretending that you like the box.
Adrian and I had a small disagreement about where we should get dropped off for the day. I didn’t really think anything of it initially it was just a simple hey we should get off here instead of there because of x,y,z kind of thing. He reluctantly agreed but did not utter a single word to me the remainder of the time we were in Paris. What I believed would be our first dream trip had become one of our last and a nightmare.
During these years there were so many pieces of myself placed on the shelf. So many of my wants and needs that I pushed aside in an effort to be a good wife and mother. I don’t know how people say things like “I have no regrets” and have that be an actual true statement. It sounds nice but the reality is there will always be things that we regret, things that we wish we had done differently. I really regret not making my wants, needs, and desires a priority. I consistently put myself last in the hopes that my sacrifice would be recognized or rewarded at some later date. The problem with that is if all we have is now later never arrives. This was perfect breeding ground for resentment.